He said She said I said

*erased*

I tremble easily
I fear of fear itself
I panic when I should not
Such a life, that one should not encounter
That one should not even contemplate
That I take it as a breathing death

I dislike the fact that I am paranoid
I detest the fact that I go through my routine without you
I despise the fact that I build walls around me
For I fear that if you showed that you care for me even a bit
The walls that I had will be a precinct to me
That I will never leave and the child in me will never grow

What have I become one might wonder
I am man with his ego
I am also a woman with her sensitivity
I am all walks of life

When you can't siesta, you fiesta

Late nights has come and go and yet I’m still trying my paramount peak to sleep throughout the night – its fucking turning me into a nocturnal creature that too bad that doesn’t suck any blood yet. It can be so bad that once I had craving for Lingue di Gatto in the middle of the night – it is a to die for biscuit light in taste, flat and pale looking only available in cafes by the bar in Italy. Translate to English Lingue di Gatto is called a cat’s tongue –it looked like one and is best to go with espressos. Maybe if I were to have that – just a bite of that I would be able to sleep?

Just the picture of it makes my heart melts easily

Anyways it was a rainy Friday evening and my perfect plan was to relax and try to get some sleep but of course, - Mahen called up and was so persistent to go out that night as he is leaving to another hectic place for a hectic life – I laughed, John agrees and Mahen is ready to party for his last night out with us. So we went out.

The boys and I had a blast. Trevor kept on drinking because he got busted from John earlier that day. It was so easy to drink with Trevor that night. This is a shot of me, Damian and Trevor.

Trevor not only drinks, he decided to finished the Florentina pizza that I had to go up to my favourite pizza guy – Joe to get my personal pizza he designed for me and not the boys. *Laughs* I was enthusiastically trying to get a good snap of Joe twirling the pizza base but was interrupted by John.

John: When are you gonna stop flirting with this fat pizza guy?
Bee: He can dance and make a fanfuckingtastic pizza for me. What can you do?

So this is Joe - thanks to John it wasn't a good picture but fat Joe was popping and hip - hopping all the way.


And this is my entrée that I finished happily.



And my main course to go with my coke and Green Label that I selfishly did not share with the guys.

The guys were having fun seeing me having fun. John asked a question. I replied, “That’s because you guys can drink have fun with me but by the end of the day, you wouldn’t want a girl like me to stay around. It’s not for you to keep, I fucking learn about that John. Or maybe there is something wrong with me”. Damian said it's all good. John and Trevor nodded and started to get me more drinks.

I do not usually these kind of pictures but Mahen is being so hyper about it. Yeah - that is Mahen on the right.

I called it a night after one tequila shot with an acquaintance and Mahen and also because there are other girls pouring in, I reckon the boys need a sober fun. So did I have a good sleep that night? I did people I did - but only for that night. However, I am still looking around if I can get the Lingue di Gatto - one hell of a climaxing piece.

Project Green Runway

Let your imagination run wild with this picture. You ask - is this picture for genuine? It's fucking authentic, agree? Pauline took this picture when we were up at Tropical Spice Garden one weekend. More like The Spastic Garden.

Pauline: This is cute. I like it. I will name this penile plant.

Bee: Yes of course you like it. It looks exactly how you named it.

I politely called Pauline's penile plant an unknown named plant which was true because most of the plants and exotic flowers were named but not this tragically. For real, they have names like :


The name of the this swarm tree sounds insanely happening but the tree itself is ugly, miserable, herbivorous and most of all innocent looking too - nothing like a convict tree. Cibais and lanchiaos, this is the actual tree:

Pauline and the retarded tree.

Pauline: Just imagine we do not have to do fishing anymore. We have trees to do the job for us.

Whatever babe, you look good right next to it.

There is another one which I swear it would be Bob's favourite plant of the year. Probably I will get this for his next birthday - so he won't use the "Mother in law" phrase to me again after admiring this plant. Bob, now you know the "Mother in law" as a swearing word is not that vulgar anymore by looking at this picture. Please get a new swear word, thanks.

Here you go Bob - hope you like it.

Bob, please don't ask me if the Africans named it okie?

That was hell of a Green Project, let's do something light next time okie P?

You Leave With What You Take

I was flabbergasted. Over how days had passed and I had an undeniably comforting subtle time doing both mind-numbing and entirely irrelevant things.

1. Howard X was found very much alive and I forgive him instantly because he got me my favourite cake – okie enough of me being nice because I have to confess to you Howard, your blog is damn cibai gaymorous
2. The superstitious theory worked as well – might be my naïve appreciation towards little things.
3. Spend more time with myself and I didn’t know being emotional can be so painful. Cibai case, why didn’t my emotional bitches warn me on that?

It’s like I have more time for myself now and knowing that if people doesn’t care, they just don’t – the tragic fact that they do have other toys to play with or they somehow forgot about your existence. So yeah right to your face.

Take this simple explanation, if you were take to two steps back and visualize that you are caught in this nasty dilemma trying to communicate with another person that completely wants nothing to do with you in every possible way you can think of, you will come to discover that, you as a subject, cannot be victimized in any situation in any time of your life. How do you really come to know that you can’t be victimized you ask – well, think of yourself as on outsider observing that, eventually with little time and your conscience sinking in, you know you have to leave right there and then. So I leave all of it behind but I take the alcohol with me.

Howard X - you MIA over the weekend. I had fun without you. Leh mah. Whatever happen to you? If I have the license to kill the hottest guy on earth, you would be the first.

I wanted to be a * *. But that didn't last long.

As much as necessary, I will do a lighter side of entry this time. My previous entries were enthralling dreadful and stunningly pathetic – damn I don’t want this to be a lonely stop for all of us. Whatever it is.

He and I grabbed a drink after work last Friday summing up the overview of working life– finding the right profession, obviously, was always an issue. He mentioned he has things to deal with – I would say several options in a short time which I’m certain he can construct and achieve it. We both know it wasn’t easy but that is worth trying. He nodded. I smiled.

As for me, I yearn for something raw, fast-moving, a bit risky and perhaps artistic. In brief, I need a change of job and environment. When your job has become flat, de- motivating and it’s putting you in a psychological trap, this is when you really know what you want next or knowing what works best for you. I mean my working life right now feels like I’m standing on an exact spot where someone got murdered brutally.

Pauline did tell me what I am competent of doing. I need to have a killer personality to do so. Killer personality, people, here means I have to be audacious and vivacious to handle the job. A word or two from her is really encouraging because she says what you do not want to hear. Thanks P, I will get back to you on that. Tell me something P, are you saying that no profession is too impractical or too dull to merit inclusion?

Silent Scream

The Scream, 1893 - Edvard Munch

Most of you I reckon have seen the movie Scream. The movie was apparently inspired from this painting as portrayed here. Remember the killer in that movie – he was wearing the white mask that resembles this sexless creature in this painting. Edvard Munch expressed his painting well I would say in a very remarkable manner. I am his absolute die hard fan of his the fact that is modus operandi of art is dramatic. Relating to this Norwegian art is somehow a bit distressing and it makes me feel fucking uncomfortable. From my observation, this creature is terrorized with his grief, wanting the world to stop moving. The bloody red skies can be the evidence of how Nature works and how it is draining his life. It works like tension opposite, the subject is howling inside and naked in thoughts, at the same time fear on how he would go on with life when everything is stagnant and will never know the secret of life to breath again. It all comes to the mind – the mind is a horrifying thing to control and organize. One hell of a cibai case ain’t it?

Oh and Mahen? Don't attempt on that Imovane, c'mon fucker you don't wanna bleed like a pussy.