*The post of He said She said and I said has been removed due to distress-ion caused to certain people. I am not ready to be nice yet people but dumb nice enough to cibaily delete the post.

Penang traffic on Christmas eve will jammed the bones out of you. I've been driving around making last minute Christmas shopping and parties to attend to and mum will call to entertain me everytime.

Mobile rang on the eve's on Christmas Eve.

Mum: Where are you?
Bee: Last minute shopping, getting Christmas wrappers and cards, you need them?
Mum: You won a super-voucher for shoppers to buy prepaid cards? Yes please. My phone card is Digi 016.

Confirm her ears are jammed too.

Mobile rang three hours ago on Christmas eve with Max out and around. On speaker.

Dad: Where are you?
Bee: In Prangin mall, getting my car washed.
(Background could hear my mum was on another phone shouting to whoever).
Dad: Okie bye.

Hung up then mum called two seconds after that. On speaker.

Mum: Where are you?
Bee: Er I just told dad I am in Prangin Mall with Maxine.
Mum: What? In Tanjung Bungah?
(Background dad heard and complained loudly to mum that I simply hantam my whereabouts to him).
Mum: Eh why you simply tell dad you are in Prangin when you are in Tanjung Bungah?
(Max started to laugh).
Bee: I'm not in Tanjung Bungah and I think you are partially deaf mum.
( Mum started to laugh with Maxine).
Mum: My god, so funny eh how come can hear so many people laughing when you are only with Maxine?
Bee: I am only with her.
Mum: Oh merry (laughs) Christmas (laughs) Maxine (laughs)

Bomb-blasts from the Past

I woke up this morning and mum still didn’t call. Didn’t make it to work today because I want to be at mi casa when they are back. My parents decided to drive to Haadyai without telling me earlier.

Mum: We are going to Haadyai tomorrow.
Bee: You guys are mad. I can’t let you go when it is still not safe.
Mum: We are going for a purpose, for prayers.
Bee: Cibai.
Mum: We will be back.

Ya, I know you will be back but I want you guys back safe.

After what occurred in year 2006 17th of September, I really do not want to go back to there. Last year in Haadyai was a devastating bomb-astic experienced for me and ( my family i think). Committing to my memory now, it was after dinner when we decided to go our own ways to get our needs. Grandpa needed his sleep, my parents and aunty wanted to shop, my godparents and my Cina pukit girl-soulmate, Lilian wanted to walk around and I salivating for a beer Chang.

As a regular in Haadyai, nothing fascinates me but Lilian being a virgin in this part of Thailand, we have to show her the Haadyai parade. I wanted to have the beer so bad that I led them towards the main street where the pub is located; and prostitutes reign the area, the ugly Mat sallehs are part of if and the other half we have people like me pretending to stroll by just to get to nowhere.

The pub was just around the corner when my godparents insisted to turn to this dodgy, corrupted lorong where I bumped into another Penangite making his way to Pink Lady where of course a nightclub where you can’t tell if the Thai goddess is a transvestite or on his way to become one. I told my guy friend this is when sperm-guard comes in handy.

Then the magic happened right after we exchanged goodbyes– first, we heard an earsplitting explosion from the main street. Second, people were running in to our lane. Before I could say third, the second explosion was heard and reporters and polices were everywhere. We didn’t want to miss this so we rushed to the main street where people from the opposite direction were running towards us and witnessed this – the pub I wanted to patronize was bombed. We stood there and across us the third bomb exploded ignoring the impact of the air pollution. Basically there were six home made mobile activating bombs planted around the district which believed was the work of Muslims from outer side of Haadyai. The bombs were launched simultaneously – obviously creating chaos leaving the locals and foreigners disarrayed.

Me agape.
Godparents started to talk in Thai to people around us - absorbing everything they heard. Lilian: B, I think I really miss him. If I am still alive I vow to treat him right when I get back. No wait I think I love him. I want to be with him now.
B: You might die now because I will kill you.

And as expected I need to look for my parents which the journey back to the hotel was nerve-racking as the neighbourhood smelt of smoke, Lilian was cinaly mental, I didn’t get my beer, a prostitute with a gun was running towards us which I so much wanted her to shoot herself. However the bomb blasting night ended how everyone wanted it to be – at the hotel lobby, my family was waiting for us and Lilian broke up with her boyfriend the week after that.

Slightly traumatized, going back there would be like asking me to eat pork. But of course my mum has my dad’s balls which I don’t. All due to respect, yo if I were a fly, I would land on her shit.

Coincidently while waiting and blogging, my team decided to go to Haadyai and one of them messaged me earlier to ask if I am on the go. Maybe one of you can change my mind.


Pictures I took the next day outside the pub that was bombed.

* My internet connection failed last Friday, just managed to post it now.

The Ling episode

To the two babes - Elicia and Ling. Elicia is the one on the left. Ling is on the right.

Especially to you Ling because you have to know if you are not hot enough I wouldn't have your picture here (and no it is not an obligation) - plus I hope this will prevent you from calling that bitch of yours a rash-scaly-rusty animal whore, that's what you called her right? Come to think of it, it is the time or your life to get to know the world a little bit better where everything harsh is actually an interesting affair. Relax Ling, we told you before although you are naturally audaciously ganas in a verbal and non verbal approach, *smiles* you are yet way better looking and fun to be, so don't get overly joy-excited over that cunt – leave her with her blond ambition alright? As a Miss No-Manners myself I secretly enjoy seeing you making that snap judgments somehow. I think you poison my thoughts and it lasted till the next day when I was at Friday’s drinking, I think I saw her. Brenda couldn’t confirm if it was her because I described the guy that was with her which freaked Brenda out. So I guess I can’t get Ling excited for now.
Afterall it is Christmas now, so be merry, be forever grateful and be kind to all beings which is a bit lackluster I know. Dear dumb blog, my Christmas and New Year to-do-list this time around are less jaded, un-climaxing and non-intricate:

1. To bloody get Atilia’s album and wrap it myself
2. Convince mum not to read my blog after Christmas
3. To stay sane with my job
4. Drink less eat more

Collide- Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide
I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide
Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

*This is enthusiastically dedicated to you. You know who you are.

short note guys, I know you guys have been calling and messaging me but no updates on Atilia's album *sigh*
I will only answer you guys if you have an update on the album thanks. Hehe

Atilia and All That Jazz

Have any of you guys heard of Atilia –a local chic, raw in personality, can really define what contemporary jazz is and new to our music industry. I went bloody everywhere to look for her first album and I couldn’t find it as it is either sold out or no one has heard of her and the album. In many ways, Atilia resembles a lot like Sheila Majid from her looks to her music as she is into the similar contemporary soulful Jazz and R & B scene with lots of rapturous Asian vibes. Dear dumb blog, I really want her debut album ‘Sangkar’ – if any of you guys can fucking suggest to me where else I can hunt for it or better seize one if you happen to see it and I will I repeat I will pay you twice the amount you paid for the album of course. People you might not want to ask me to download her songs not because I am reluctant to but because Atilia did an incomparable job by strategically creating this album full of dedication – it took her seven years to launch it with an advice from her producer Roslan Aziz, a man with his reputation in the music industry and now with Atilia, he has created another legend after Shelia Majid and Zainal Abidin.

Penang Island Jazz Festival

Penang island jazz festival is here again and it was mind blowing. As usual it was a two day event in Bayview Beach Resort. We went on a Saturday night which was the first night and this time around this jazzy festival was somehow an improved version of last year – from the wine selections, souvenirs and most of all the weather condition (it fucking rained last year).

We went a bit late because were stuck in the immovable traffic, stopped by to get burgers and the guys insisted to get our beers from this Indian shop on the way up as well. This is where we get our mouth-watering, lip smacking beef burger wrapped with egg and cheese, nicely topped with fried almost caramelized onions from:

By the time we reached Bayview Beach Resort, it was close to 8.30 just in time for Nah Youn Sun a Korean chic that has an exquisite connection to all her jazz numbers– her voice was unreservedly beautiful and I have to admit it was really amazingly impressive. I couldn’t get a good picture of her because I was feeding myself with the burger along with the snifter we smuggled in. But when she jazzed on 'Besame Mucho' I was upbeat-engrossed with that jazzy moment as her version of 'Besame Mucho' was unbelievably full of raw emotions and it makes you develop this deep and personal sensation within yourself on that number. Absorbing to her music was so easy that I was not aware of my idyllic surroundings until the jazz lovers asked more and Trevor was saying something which sounded distant if I was not wrong, it went like this:

Trevor: Am chilling now with the sea breeze and the jazz beats
Christine: The overcrowded typical tourist….
John: I didn’t know they are really good

True to the point, the environment was faultless – we were sitting on Christine’s mat under the stars, un-dehydrate ourselves with the surprisingly still chilled Indian beer. But that was just the beginning, because you will automatically activate the jazz in you get once you get to know this next performers all the way from China – the Possicobilities.

The Possicobilities did the impossible, they did a contemporary east meets west jazz mixed that Christine agreed it was cibaily romantic. Jiwang to the max that this time I managed to get a closer shot of them. Coco Zhao the lead vocalist passionately did his remix of English and Mandarin lyrics on this 'Ru Guo Mei You Ni' translate to English 'If I don’t Have You' – it was all-familiar exotic mix but then again depending on which part of the world you’re engaged into – it works together so beautifully that one can only wonder if this young talent has hypnotized the audience completely. Coco Zhao you might have a name of a transvestite from my humble opinion but you fucking nailed it. Scully boy muttered, “ Ku Ku Jiao” honestly bro – that’s the most pathetic swear word that it doesn’t sound illicit at all.

Coco Zhao is the one in white top with fisherman's pants.

The jazz night ended off with the widely recognized Thailand’s top jazz/soul/funk/R&B attire, the Bangkok Connection. The name of the band itself sounds like it consist of notorious Thai mafias ain’t it? Bangkok Connection is one of my favourite bands of all time. They were so darn good that our local Off the Edge Magazine featured them once. I couldn't get off my eyes from the two brothers playing the saxaphone, sounds cheesy just the way I like it.

Towards the end of the night they did a bit of pop as well which is very typical of Thai – most of the time they do not like to be in ‘the creative room’ avoiding a touch of which I discreetly hoping they would come up with something Thai - you know with their own local influence that will be explosive.

Bangkok Connection was still playing when I took a picture of Trevor, Scully boy and Christine

The jazz night ended insanely well when they cleverly did ‘I Feel good’ track with a hint of jazz tempo. Dear blog, I couldn’t ask or more that night.

He said She said I said

*erased*

I tremble easily
I fear of fear itself
I panic when I should not
Such a life, that one should not encounter
That one should not even contemplate
That I take it as a breathing death

I dislike the fact that I am paranoid
I detest the fact that I go through my routine without you
I despise the fact that I build walls around me
For I fear that if you showed that you care for me even a bit
The walls that I had will be a precinct to me
That I will never leave and the child in me will never grow

What have I become one might wonder
I am man with his ego
I am also a woman with her sensitivity
I am all walks of life

When you can't siesta, you fiesta

Late nights has come and go and yet I’m still trying my paramount peak to sleep throughout the night – its fucking turning me into a nocturnal creature that too bad that doesn’t suck any blood yet. It can be so bad that once I had craving for Lingue di Gatto in the middle of the night – it is a to die for biscuit light in taste, flat and pale looking only available in cafes by the bar in Italy. Translate to English Lingue di Gatto is called a cat’s tongue –it looked like one and is best to go with espressos. Maybe if I were to have that – just a bite of that I would be able to sleep?

Just the picture of it makes my heart melts easily

Anyways it was a rainy Friday evening and my perfect plan was to relax and try to get some sleep but of course, - Mahen called up and was so persistent to go out that night as he is leaving to another hectic place for a hectic life – I laughed, John agrees and Mahen is ready to party for his last night out with us. So we went out.

The boys and I had a blast. Trevor kept on drinking because he got busted from John earlier that day. It was so easy to drink with Trevor that night. This is a shot of me, Damian and Trevor.

Trevor not only drinks, he decided to finished the Florentina pizza that I had to go up to my favourite pizza guy – Joe to get my personal pizza he designed for me and not the boys. *Laughs* I was enthusiastically trying to get a good snap of Joe twirling the pizza base but was interrupted by John.

John: When are you gonna stop flirting with this fat pizza guy?
Bee: He can dance and make a fanfuckingtastic pizza for me. What can you do?

So this is Joe - thanks to John it wasn't a good picture but fat Joe was popping and hip - hopping all the way.


And this is my entrée that I finished happily.



And my main course to go with my coke and Green Label that I selfishly did not share with the guys.

The guys were having fun seeing me having fun. John asked a question. I replied, “That’s because you guys can drink have fun with me but by the end of the day, you wouldn’t want a girl like me to stay around. It’s not for you to keep, I fucking learn about that John. Or maybe there is something wrong with me”. Damian said it's all good. John and Trevor nodded and started to get me more drinks.

I do not usually these kind of pictures but Mahen is being so hyper about it. Yeah - that is Mahen on the right.

I called it a night after one tequila shot with an acquaintance and Mahen and also because there are other girls pouring in, I reckon the boys need a sober fun. So did I have a good sleep that night? I did people I did - but only for that night. However, I am still looking around if I can get the Lingue di Gatto - one hell of a climaxing piece.

Project Green Runway

Let your imagination run wild with this picture. You ask - is this picture for genuine? It's fucking authentic, agree? Pauline took this picture when we were up at Tropical Spice Garden one weekend. More like The Spastic Garden.

Pauline: This is cute. I like it. I will name this penile plant.

Bee: Yes of course you like it. It looks exactly how you named it.

I politely called Pauline's penile plant an unknown named plant which was true because most of the plants and exotic flowers were named but not this tragically. For real, they have names like :


The name of the this swarm tree sounds insanely happening but the tree itself is ugly, miserable, herbivorous and most of all innocent looking too - nothing like a convict tree. Cibais and lanchiaos, this is the actual tree:

Pauline and the retarded tree.

Pauline: Just imagine we do not have to do fishing anymore. We have trees to do the job for us.

Whatever babe, you look good right next to it.

There is another one which I swear it would be Bob's favourite plant of the year. Probably I will get this for his next birthday - so he won't use the "Mother in law" phrase to me again after admiring this plant. Bob, now you know the "Mother in law" as a swearing word is not that vulgar anymore by looking at this picture. Please get a new swear word, thanks.

Here you go Bob - hope you like it.

Bob, please don't ask me if the Africans named it okie?

That was hell of a Green Project, let's do something light next time okie P?

You Leave With What You Take

I was flabbergasted. Over how days had passed and I had an undeniably comforting subtle time doing both mind-numbing and entirely irrelevant things.

1. Howard X was found very much alive and I forgive him instantly because he got me my favourite cake – okie enough of me being nice because I have to confess to you Howard, your blog is damn cibai gaymorous
2. The superstitious theory worked as well – might be my naïve appreciation towards little things.
3. Spend more time with myself and I didn’t know being emotional can be so painful. Cibai case, why didn’t my emotional bitches warn me on that?

It’s like I have more time for myself now and knowing that if people doesn’t care, they just don’t – the tragic fact that they do have other toys to play with or they somehow forgot about your existence. So yeah right to your face.

Take this simple explanation, if you were take to two steps back and visualize that you are caught in this nasty dilemma trying to communicate with another person that completely wants nothing to do with you in every possible way you can think of, you will come to discover that, you as a subject, cannot be victimized in any situation in any time of your life. How do you really come to know that you can’t be victimized you ask – well, think of yourself as on outsider observing that, eventually with little time and your conscience sinking in, you know you have to leave right there and then. So I leave all of it behind but I take the alcohol with me.

Howard X - you MIA over the weekend. I had fun without you. Leh mah. Whatever happen to you? If I have the license to kill the hottest guy on earth, you would be the first.

I wanted to be a * *. But that didn't last long.

As much as necessary, I will do a lighter side of entry this time. My previous entries were enthralling dreadful and stunningly pathetic – damn I don’t want this to be a lonely stop for all of us. Whatever it is.

He and I grabbed a drink after work last Friday summing up the overview of working life– finding the right profession, obviously, was always an issue. He mentioned he has things to deal with – I would say several options in a short time which I’m certain he can construct and achieve it. We both know it wasn’t easy but that is worth trying. He nodded. I smiled.

As for me, I yearn for something raw, fast-moving, a bit risky and perhaps artistic. In brief, I need a change of job and environment. When your job has become flat, de- motivating and it’s putting you in a psychological trap, this is when you really know what you want next or knowing what works best for you. I mean my working life right now feels like I’m standing on an exact spot where someone got murdered brutally.

Pauline did tell me what I am competent of doing. I need to have a killer personality to do so. Killer personality, people, here means I have to be audacious and vivacious to handle the job. A word or two from her is really encouraging because she says what you do not want to hear. Thanks P, I will get back to you on that. Tell me something P, are you saying that no profession is too impractical or too dull to merit inclusion?

Silent Scream

The Scream, 1893 - Edvard Munch

Most of you I reckon have seen the movie Scream. The movie was apparently inspired from this painting as portrayed here. Remember the killer in that movie – he was wearing the white mask that resembles this sexless creature in this painting. Edvard Munch expressed his painting well I would say in a very remarkable manner. I am his absolute die hard fan of his the fact that is modus operandi of art is dramatic. Relating to this Norwegian art is somehow a bit distressing and it makes me feel fucking uncomfortable. From my observation, this creature is terrorized with his grief, wanting the world to stop moving. The bloody red skies can be the evidence of how Nature works and how it is draining his life. It works like tension opposite, the subject is howling inside and naked in thoughts, at the same time fear on how he would go on with life when everything is stagnant and will never know the secret of life to breath again. It all comes to the mind – the mind is a horrifying thing to control and organize. One hell of a cibai case ain’t it?

Oh and Mahen? Don't attempt on that Imovane, c'mon fucker you don't wanna bleed like a pussy.

The Disturbing Tale of STDs

Stressed to Death that is – not Sexual Transmitted Disease la. That’s how I’m feeling over the weekend but now with this new drug invention, I am Steam to Death. The pills given earlier from the Doctor were a complete failure. Look Doctor, we both know I need a pill that is to die for.

Bee: I still can’t sleep
Doctor: If this new pill doesn’t work, we have to work on your lifestyle

Move over valium, introducing Imovane :

Apparently this Imovane is a new drug on the block, it works faster, stronger and hotter. Yeah, hotter as in I fucking sweat a lot. I couldn’t wake up earlier, mum thought I was dead. Fanfuckingtastic, I can’t believe I got XPS – Xtreme Power Sleep finally.

However, the bloody Doctor didn’t mention about the side effects. I was bleeding profusely, nauseating and of course sweating like Howard X. Leh mah who cares?

Was feeling unwell and mentally paralyzed today and I made an appointment to see my doctor. Told him my condition and this is how it went:

Doctor : You are depressed.
Bee: Oh, that bad?
Doctor: You know in this world, you have to be thick skin at times?
Bee: So is it okie to still drink?
Doctor: Come back to me 3 days later if you didn't notice any changes, will get you stronger pills.
Bee: I will. I just don't like the side effects part.

Give a dollar to a small girl and she will buy herself a lolly

Imagine this – you are feeling depressed and dejected and time is the only way to actually mend it. If that is how it should go, then what do you do during that “time” when depression decided to take over you completely? To make things worst, I’m writing this in a wrong place and at the wrong time. Cibai case.

Of late I’ve been through a non – ecstasy and instability moment of my life. I’ve become very inert, my thoughts became insignificant and my responsibility is no longer an issue to me. I’m so unlike him who on the other can hand hold his composure and move on effortlessly after what happened.

I’ve become terrified to step out from my own fundamental character. But X is ahead of “time” – going out with another available hot individual and each day is just another day for him. It has come to the stage where things that I do are no longer solid or making any sense that I have to humourize with it. For now, I need hardcore booze for the next few days, go for pleasure skinny dipping and indulging in an extreme ice cream diet that will shock my lingerie – all in that order. Cibais and lanchiaos, feel free to share it with me. Strangers are welcome – just that you don’t have to be that strange okie?

Plus I got :

1. Howard X around which is great
2. Pauletta that has been trying to get me sober
3. Kenneth T that has been trying to get me drunk
4. D that is always asking for my well being each time on net

Pauline: It is expected to happen. This is life. It is okie.
Bee: I get what you mean, it's like you rape a virgin and you can't give back her virginity.

Intoxication vs detoxification

I had a a slump weekend two weeks ago. Disciplining myself to ignore vodka and redbull was a catastrophic attempt. Tolerating to have an un-alcoholic weekend is like to have a special talent - I have to :


1. Pressurize myself to drink just the REDBULL
2. Drink redbull and imagine it is VODKA and REDBULL
3. Hang out with my gay friends to drink gay drinks
4. Imagine VODKA and REDBULL are like prozac (expired stuff)


You should be asking why would my very first entry didn't like start off with Once upon a time........
Reason is I haven't been sleeping well so i figured i need to do write the fcuk out of it. Not a single living thing helps - my friends weren't that smart 'till they came up with the notion of my sleeping disorder:


1. Too much of VODKA and REDBULL
2. Too much of VODKA and REDBULL
3. Too much of VODKA and REDBULL
4. and of course, too much of VODKA and REDBULL


Damn, they make me feel like i smell like a whorehouse which I think i should be illegal by now. So I decided to ask my mum instead. Trust me, my mum is a better bitch than I am and drinks more coffee than I do.


B : Ah mee, I can't sleep. It has been going for weeks.
Mum: Of course lah. Lack of alcohol consumption.
B: Leh mah. You mean I should be inebriated by now?
Mum: Don't you think you always make better decisons when you are intoxicated?


I didn't even know she is my mum 'till she said that. Her reverse psychology works like feeding Britney with crack. I had caffeine as a bizzare detox and it worked, I didn't even sniff on Vodka and Redbull and had a good sleep over that weekend.

Pauletta - you reckon I should still blog now that I am sober enough to sleep?